I've had such a wierd week. Providence was so fun, but REALLY freezing. I spent quality time with Ali, who ended up getting into Yale Graduate School the next night, and multiple hours in her frat's TV room watching ice skaters suck. You're a disappointment, Sasha Cohen. All hype. So much for the namesake. Lenson reminds me of our friend Joel in 10 years. He's really tall and skinny and pretty shy and awkward. At the hockey game we talked a little and he seems to like Dana, which is the most important part. Dana's friend Anthony is adorable... I didn't mean to be as tactless as I seemed with the Weslyan comment. BAAAD, Sasha. So, Lenson, Anthony, Matt is totally cordial, taught me swing dancing at the Zoot Suit Riot. Really likes Leora, which is adorable. We ran into Nate at the Ratty (as I somehow manuvered my way around enough to get some kind of a lunch on Friday. Seems like a cool enough guy.

It was humiliating. Overwhelming. I'm not that smart. I realllly want to get into Brown. Oh jeez, what did I get myself into? Maybe because I work so hard I seem intelligent; these kids are fucking geniuses. Natural genius. Incomparable and fucking overwhelming. I'm disappointing myself...

Katherine, Dana's roommate is a sweetheart. Saturday we went to Kabob and Curry and directly to Meetingstreet Coffee House for an enormous cookie. Safe to say that I ate my way through the weekend, but didn't stop there. I had HANDFULS of chocolate chips last night. Lots of work for some reason kept me from going to the JCC. I have no motivation anymore... but I am getting before-bed nightmares. Honestly, I couldn't get to sleep - I was obsessing over my weight, how much I have to lose, how much I should naturally weigh, my running and working out and everything. I ended up reading for an hour before I could close my eyes.

Sometimes when I feel disgusted about my body I have to put on tight tank-tops.
It's not helping anymore.
I'm writing 1:30 on my hand just to remind myself what my ultimate goal is.
20 lbs in 2 months?
As much as I can. That may not be a realistic goal, but shooting for the moon and getting the stars is enough for me. At LEAST 10 lbs in 2 months. Come onnn, Sasha. Get it together.

I've also almost completely given up on a social life. Honestly, it's just depressing how few friends I have now. What happened? When did I stop liking myself, having self-confidence, feeling comfortable in social situations? Nothing's helping. I tried to talk to my friends about it, let them know what was going on. They think I don't like them, that I don't want to hang out with them. When quite the opposite is true. This is not me... and I want to take a step away from it all for a while, but it's my senior year! I should be able to have the best time of my life, not having to care as much about academics, be with my friends. But what friends?

And this all probably stems from drugs. I don't even know. They make me uncomfortable. I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how to deal with people who use them. Should I shun? I can't judge. Does judgement = having an opinion? I don't get it; either way I'm screwed. I don't KNOW.

20 lbs. April 29.