Small change

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 05:03:55 GMT

YUUUUCK.
I ate sooo much ice cream tonight.
And chocolate.
And cookies.
After this enormous dinner.

Sasha, what were you thinking? I worked out all this week and it probably didn't mean SHIT! I've been soo good. Shiiit.

How am I going to finish this year without friends?

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 01:19:44 GMT

I hate my friends.
Potluck last night was a success, I guess, but still. They make me feel like shit.

Lauren and Bill are dating? Since last week? Thanks for telling me, guys. I feel special AND included.

Abbie broke her foot after losing 12.5 lbs on Weight Watchers. There's a little part of me that's happy that she can't exercise. Am I a bad person? *nods head*

Torch article, kill myself, calc, and maybe some Great Expectations. Hopefully some China study. I'm going in 10 days!!!!!!!!!!!

AHSDHFAS!!!
CHINA!
1.2 Billllllion people!

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 05:11:34 GMT

Today was a day of too much.
I woke up toooo early this morning. Did too much cardio at the J. Stressed out too much over Calculus, Torch, everything at school. And then SOCCER GAME. Way too much cardio today. My muscles are shot. Then tonight. There was too much food at the potluck. I ate too many cupcakes, too much everything. At least my friends were OK.

UGH. Prom. Prama. Lauren makes me want to gag myself sometimes.
Jake is so nice.
I have no friends. Woopie! But I talked to Dave last night. And he's wonderful, and I'm so glad to have him as a friend.

My entire downstairs smells like garbage. Yuck!
Less food, stay with the J.
Get rid of the sniffles!
Read Great Expectations!!!

Kelly is incredibly nice. Yay for genuine soccer players.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 05:08:01 GMT

I ate ice cream today.
After I promised myself to eat healthy forever. AND EVER! Honestly, all of Senior Retreat this weekend I ate like crap. M&Ms, ice cream, lasagna. The best meal I had all weekend was AT THE MALL on Friday when I made myself the best salad ever. EVER.

I'd be content with eating salads like that for the rest of the year. Oh, and my goal: 130 by college. That's 20 lbs in 5 months. I think I can do it. I KNOW I CAN DO IT! I'm 150 lbs on the light scale at the J. I can control my eating. I worked out a lot today, and plan on getting up in 9 hours to do the same.
I LOVE IT.

Motivation, confidence. I can do this. I don't need weight watchers.

Best school week ever. Oh, and by the way, I have no friends.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 22:29:08 GMT

I've had such a wierd week. Providence was so fun, but REALLY freezing. I spent quality time with Ali, who ended up getting into Yale Graduate School the next night, and multiple hours in her frat's TV room watching ice skaters suck. You're a disappointment, Sasha Cohen. All hype. So much for the namesake. Lenson reminds me of our friend Joel in 10 years. He's really tall and skinny and pretty shy and awkward. At the hockey game we talked a little and he seems to like Dana, which is the most important part. Dana's friend Anthony is adorable... I didn't mean to be as tactless as I seemed with the Weslyan comment. BAAAD, Sasha. So, Lenson, Anthony, Matt is totally cordial, taught me swing dancing at the Zoot Suit Riot. Really likes Leora, which is adorable. We ran into Nate at the Ratty (as I somehow manuvered my way around enough to get some kind of a lunch on Friday. Seems like a cool enough guy.

It was humiliating. Overwhelming. I'm not that smart. I realllly want to get into Brown. Oh jeez, what did I get myself into? Maybe because I work so hard I seem intelligent; these kids are fucking geniuses. Natural genius. Incomparable and fucking overwhelming. I'm disappointing myself...

Katherine, Dana's roommate is a sweetheart. Saturday we went to Kabob and Curry and directly to Meetingstreet Coffee House for an enormous cookie. Safe to say that I ate my way through the weekend, but didn't stop there. I had HANDFULS of chocolate chips last night. Lots of work for some reason kept me from going to the JCC. I have no motivation anymore... but I am getting before-bed nightmares. Honestly, I couldn't get to sleep - I was obsessing over my weight, how much I have to lose, how much I should naturally weigh, my running and working out and everything. I ended up reading for an hour before I could close my eyes.

Sometimes when I feel disgusted about my body I have to put on tight tank-tops.
It's not helping anymore.
I'm writing 1:30 on my hand just to remind myself what my ultimate goal is.
20 lbs in 2 months?
As much as I can. That may not be a realistic goal, but shooting for the moon and getting the stars is enough for me. At LEAST 10 lbs in 2 months. Come onnn, Sasha. Get it together.

I've also almost completely given up on a social life. Honestly, it's just depressing how few friends I have now. What happened? When did I stop liking myself, having self-confidence, feeling comfortable in social situations? Nothing's helping. I tried to talk to my friends about it, let them know what was going on. They think I don't like them, that I don't want to hang out with them. When quite the opposite is true. This is not me... and I want to take a step away from it all for a while, but it's my senior year! I should be able to have the best time of my life, not having to care as much about academics, be with my friends. But what friends?

And this all probably stems from drugs. I don't even know. They make me uncomfortable. I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how to deal with people who use them. Should I shun? I can't judge. Does judgement = having an opinion? I don't get it; either way I'm screwed. I don't KNOW.

20 lbs. April 29.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:46:13 GMT

I'M GOING TO THE J.
I resolve very early in the day if I'm going to go work out or not. Today I said no; I have a Chemistry lab, Calculus, a LOT of Great Expectations to read for Lit, and a Humanities test, not to mention the Spanish that I probably won't even get done. On top of that, I'm going to visit Providence tomorrow, have to do laundry, pack, etc. And sleep, Sasha. Don't forget about sleep.
Oh, right. And the Levines are coming for dinner. I don't even know why...

At least Mom said I don't have to shower before they come.

I wish I could read while I was running.
HAIRCUT!

today's heaven.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 00:09:01 GMT

Benevolence tonight for dinner - SO good! All organic, all vegetarian, totally delicious, and insanely filling. I brought home half of the heavenly bread they make (possibly named "Heaven"!) and am in the middle of a mug of tea. Bengal spice can brighten up my day anyday.

And I FINALLY got my hair cut. After the painful experience on campus in November, I was almost in tears. Thank goodness it grew in well. Jeff was great, though. Finally a goood haircut. Except for that wonderful one I got in Spain...

Off to NOT do my homework :-), but to READ! Yay for good books, good tea, and Providence in two days. And, interestingly enough, Dad booked a flight for MARCH 23, not February, but it's all good. I'm still going!

If only I could have this one boy from NJ...

Being a senior is HEAVEN.

my fiiirst post in a while

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 20:45:51 GMT

I know I don't usually update here, and since my Spain journal I'm really loving ACTUALLY putting my thoughts onto paper, but this will have to do.
I want to get in shape.
I want to feel good about how I look.
I need to control my eating!

This may also end up being a cure-all journal... the one I've had for 5 years is now friended by everyone I know at home, people I can't say some things around... and I don't want to have to watch my language on my own journal.

Weight-loss journal. Life journal. It's online. I can delete it if I want...

I'll get the actual numbers/workout data up sometime soon. I'm really good at motivating others, but when it comes to motivating myself... I don't know. Hopefully this will change.

Oh, and here's a pictureeee! Me in Costa Rica in December learning how to surf! I have these enormous thighs, but I've embraced them and learned to love them... they're from my dad's side of the family, and they're going nowhere. The remnants of my soccer days. :-)